In six hours we will finally meet Sarah...wow!  I really thought this day would never come.  I am so incredibly excited and yet a little sad at the same time.  There are going to be a lot of firsts today but there are also a lot of lasts.  This is the last day of easy street parenting for us.  Parenting is never easy but in reality, we have two children who are pretty easy.  They are our biological children, they have been with me since conception.  No one has harmed them or abused them.  They speak English.  They know the rules of our house.  They love us and they know we love them...no question.  And there are only two of them.  I can hold one by each hand.  Those days are over.  Sarah has had a tough life so far.  She doesn't know who we are or what we may do to her.  She has no idea that we will love her unconditionally forever.  She won't even understand us when we speak to her.  All the sights, smells and tastes of our house will be foreign to her.  Her life is about to be completely and totally rocked.

But this is what she is gaining...what WE are gaining.  This is Ruthie's interpretation of today.  There is a lot of love in this picture.  This may not be what today ends up looking like but hopefully sometime down the road, it is what our family will look like (with Bryan in the picture of course.)  There is a lot of love in this picture and a lot of love in our family.  

If you have a minute this evening, or if you are awake at 1 AM (which is 1PM in China), say a little prayer for us.  We could use it.

Born From Loss (It's Friday...Sunday's comin')

This day sucks.  Quite frankly this day of the year always sucks for me.  Which is a really selfish way of saying that this day sucks for me because it sucks for my husband and I hate to see him sad.  Ten years ago today my husband lost his best friend.  Ok, let's be honest, not his best friend, his girlfriend.  And let's be even more honest to say not just his girlfriend but the woman he thought he would marry.  They had made plans, were waiting until she graduated and they had all their grad school plans firmed up and then it would happen...except it didn't...because she died...ten years ago today.  

Even though we are ridiculously happy together this day always leaves him a little blue and leaves me a little confused.  After all, if he is happy with me, how can he mourn the loss of another woman?  I've never been able to understand it, that is until this year.   

This year we are waiting on pins and needles to be told that we can come to China and pick up this darling little girl but we would not be on this journey had we not experienced two gut wrenching losses within about 6 months of each other.  I am holding neither a 10 month old nor a 3 month old but I am ecstatic to soon be holding an 8 year old.  This has been an eye opening journey about the state of the world, about parenting, about adoption, and about expanding our capacity to love.  I wouldn't give it up for anything yet we wouldn't even be on this journey were it not for our losses.  

Our little Sarah has experienced unspeakable loss.  She has lost her family, her identity, her first foster family and she is about to lose her second.  She will be gaining a forever family but not before she loses everything she knows.  She will lose her friends, her cuisine, her culture.  We plan to preserve these things where we can but let's face it, we will still be a bunch of white people trying to do Chinese holidays, culture and cuisine some justice.  

I get really uncomfortable when people talk about fate, soul mates and God always meaning for us (Bobby and I, or Sarah and our family) to be together.  You see, that implies a whole lot of things that I just don't think God is responsible for.  If Bobby and I are soul mates then what was Katherine?  A bump in the road, a girl who was meant to die?  I doubt that very seriously.  And what about Sarah?  Did God intend for mother to leave her by the side of the road?  Is that why He created her?  Of course not.  

I know that at some point she will ask questions about why her parents couldn't keep her and why God let that happen.  She will question why people say that we were meant to be a family.  She will not understand how she can mourn for her birth mother and her foster mother and still love us.  Even more than that, Bryan and Ruthie will question this, just like I have questioned Bobby year after year on March 1st.  I think that because of the origins of our family I will have an answer for them.

"I don't know."  I will tell her.  "I don't know why your mother left you.  I don't know why my babies died.  What I do know is that I love you.  I know that God brought us together and made something right and joyful out of something so wrong and so sad."

Our family is one born from loss.  Like so many metaphors that are out there:  the phoenix rising from the ashes, the rainbow after the storm.  

One of my favorite priests years ago gave a Good Friday homily in which he talked about what that Friday must have been like for the apostles.  How horrible it was for them because they did not know.  They did not know that in two days Sunday would come and everything would be turned around.  He talked about how we each have our Fridays, the days in which it seems no good will ever find us.  We have to remember about Sunday.  We have to look around and say to ourselves...it's Friday...Sunday's comin'.  I said that to myself as I lay on a table last April.  That day was my Friday but Sarah is my Sunday.  This day 10 years ago was Bobby's Friday but we, his family, are his Sunday.  A family born of loss but oh, what a beautiful family it is.  

Try to remember that when you are in a bad place, when you feel discouraged or hopeless, if you let Him,  our Lord will bring joy from your pain, beauty from your loss.  It's Friday...Sunday's comin'.

As this year comes to a close I find myself feeling disillusioned and disenchanted, all the dis words really.  It just has not been a good year.  I mean, overall we're all healthy and alive.  That's more than a lot of people can say.  Don't get me wrong, the year has had it's moments.  The above picture was one of them.  My kids are awesome.  We have had a small miracle in my nephew's ability to overcome what should have been a devastating diagnosis, so I should be happy, right?  Not so much.

Anybody who knows me knows I love to have a plan, a plan and a list.  I like to be able to see what will happen throughout my day and the days ahead, to know what is coming and what to expect.  It's the control freak in me coming out.  You'd think this would make me more organized but, alas, it doesn't.  I started 2012 with a plan, a relatively simple one, get pregnant.  I was already working out like crazy and was in great shape so this would be an awesome, easy pregnancy.  And this time, instead of an apneic, intubated baby or surprise breech C-section, this pregnancy would end with a triumphant VBAC, a healthy pink baby that was plopped on my chest and immediately latched.  I would end this pregnancy feeling powerful, not powerless.  Again, not so much.  The getting pregnant part was easy enough but staying that way seems to have become a problem.

Suddenly I was a woman with no plan, no direction, a ship without a rudder like that Lemonheads' song.  I know who I was, who I used to be.  I was a runner.  I was 60 days into Insanity (a great workout by the way.)  I did yoga.  I was a healthy person.  I believed in eating whole foods, avoiding fast food unless absolutely necessary while on call.  I liked the occasional (emphasis on that word occasional) Starbucks.  I took my kids on nature walks.  I knit them sweaters and socks, sewed clothes for them.  I planted a garden every year.  I followed Flylady.  Suddenly none of this interested me anymore.  Except for the Starbucks part, that went from occasional to almost daily.

During the last half of the year Bobby and I developed a different plan.  We would add to our family through adoption.  We found a child on a waiting child list and fell in love.  This little girl became my rudder, my direction. (Oh how I wish I could show you her picture but I'm not allowed to yet.)   I threw myself into the process of bringing her home.  I obsessed over paperwork.  Unfortunately, this has led to a bit of a technology obsession.  I can't stop checking those waiting child lists even though I know I can't bring another child home right now.  I obsess over adoption related message boards, looking for anything that helps me feel closer to the daughter I cannot hold.  I obsessively check my e-mail and my Facebook page.  I walk around holding my iPhone scrolling through emails and Facebook posts like a zombie.  It's not healthy.  It's not me.  Where did the healthy person go?  Where is the runner, the gardener, the foodie?

Is this a midlife crisis?  Maybe.  But somehow I don't think driving a red convertible or partying with twentysomethings is going to help.  Instead I find myself longing for simplicity, peace, focus.  So what's the answer?  What is the plan for 2013?  I don't know at this point but I intend to spend the next 3 weeks trying to figure it out.  I need a detox, a technology detox, a sedentary lifestyle detox, a disillusionment detox.  For 3 weeks I'm staying away from Facebook.  I'm checking my e-mail only twice a day and only from the phone so it's not so easy to start reading stupid Yahoo articles.  Maybe I'll start Couch to 5K back up to refind my inner runner.  Maybe I'll actually go to a yoga class at the Y or restart those Insanity DVDs (that is if I can figure out how to get the sticky kid fingerprints off the plyometrics one.)  Mainly I'm going to slow down, be quiet, and listen.  There will be lots of hot tea and a lot of reading of my "tree hugging hippy" magazines.  There will be a lot of time spent outside whenever the weather allows.  More nature walks, more slowing down, more prayer, more listening.  With any luck, the end of 3 weeks will find me with a plan for 2013 and more importantly, with some peace.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Superbowl Sunday!

I have to admit I haven't paid much attention to the NFL this year.  I've asked 10 times, "who's in the Superbowl again?"  Then I say "really, wasn't that a few years ago?"  The kids have just made it harder to pay attention to sports.  Occasionally I can grab Ruthie and get her to say "C.A.T.S Cats! Cats! Cats!" but that's about it.  Otherwise I have to find something for her and Bryan to do while a game is on which usually puts me in a room without a TV.

Today the kid distraction was the Puppy Bowl.  Whoever invented that thing was a genius.  Actually, it was probably somebody who just wanted to watch the game without his/her kids whining about it.  Plop a bunch of puppies in pen with some toys and watch them go to town, what kid wouldn't love it.  Even Bryan found it interesting for a good 20 minutes.  And yes, that is Post-Nap-No-Pants Roo perched on the coffee table in the messiest corner of our house watching it.  (Obviously this was prior to kick-off since she's in the living room and Dada hasn't come and changed the channel yet.)

So, with the kids occupied, Bobby got to watch the game and I got to work on a few things that I really wanted to accomplish.  We had CSA veggies that really needed to be dealt with so there were broccoli soup and hot pocket style cabbage rolls calling my name.  Throw in some homemade bread and a bunch of sewing projects I've needed to tend to and you've got yourself a full afternoon.  Ruthie helped me with the dough for the hot pockets, running back and forth between the kitchen and the TV to give me updates on all the highlights of the Puppy Bowl, while Bobby played with Bryan and tried to get him to cheer for the Giants.

Did Ruthie and Bryan eat any of this great food.  Of course not!  Well, they ate the bread parts anyway and Roo choked down 4 bites of soup.  Did I get as much sewing done as I would have liked?  Of course not!  But I cut out fabric for some pants for Roo, a bag that I promised my cleaning lady months ago, and another one for my best friend's birthday, not to mention Roo's bento box carrier and a laptop sleeve for our new computer, so some good progress anyway.   I'm hoping to get to those projects Monday but you never know.  Monday also starts the "Whole Food Kitchen" e-course I've signed up for so there may be a lot more cooking I need to do (yay!)  Plus I've just ordered a "Healthy Snacks on the Go" e-book from Katie at www.kitchenstewardship.com so there are a bunch of yummy things I'm hoping to get to on Monday!

Groundhog Day!

I admit it.  I've been a blog slacker.  This handmade thing is time consuming.  Then we did a show, our computer got stolen, lots of little (and big) things have kept me away.  But today is Groundhog Day.  What better day to get started again!  In a few days I will post a few of the things we have been up to in the last few months but today I just want to jump back in with a few pics of the days leading up to Groundhog Day.  It's been cloudy this morning, so hopefully the little rodent will not be able to see his shadow.  I say this but  then, it's been so mild this winter, would six more weeks of it be so bad?

Yesterday was a prime example of the mild weather.  Seventy degrees and sunny.  When Ruthie came home from school we all took off our shoes and played outside, running and crawing around in the grass, drawing with chalk, blowing bubbles and playing hopscotch.  Inside we painted, had tea and just played.  A good (though not very productive) day for all concerned.

Pickles!

Today is a busy, busy day and, as usual, I have set completely unrealistic goals for myself.  I don't really have time to write an entire post but I love making lists so here is a list of a few of the things we will be doing (or trying to do) today!

...blanching green beans and chopping cucumbers and onions before breakfast...
...having a tea party using apple prune juice instead of tea...
...broadening my horizons from freezer jam to pickles and maybe even to cooked jam...
...freezing fresh green beans...
...staying too busy to change out of our pajamas...
...being amazed at the amount of kitchen carnage that came from making the pickles and canning them...
...telling Ruthie that the TV is broken so that Busytown and Wonderpets won't be her baby sitters today...
...marveling at the amount of creative play that resulted from the "broken" TV...
...considering blackberry cobbler versus tart versus jam...
...smiling at Ruthie's curls that have come back with a vengeance with the increase in humidity...
...grinning at the fact that Bryan's eyes may actually stay blue...
...cutting out fabric for a new little girl's sundress and another pair of big butt baby pants...
...finding a few moments of quiet to sip on some tea...
...mentally preparing for a long weekend at work..

Groundhogs at the Beach

May was a busy, busy month, as you can tell by the fact that I didn't post one single time.  The garden is going crazy and I will post pictures as soon as I can.  The zucchini and the squash are doing particularly well and we have been enjoying lots of fresh veggies.  Yesterday we got corn from our CSA and I introduced Ruthie to the incredible yumminess of raw sweet corn.  She ate two whole cobs!  I also made some zucchini bread from an allrecipes.com recipe.  It had chocolate chips in it which may sound weird but is actually fantastic.  It also allows me to refer to it as "chocolate chip bread;" thus making it sound infinitely more appetizing to my finicky Roo. 

Our May ended with a weeklong trip to the beach with the entire family and true to the DIY spirit of this blog, we made all our food ourselves.  Yes, for the first time in Schosser family beach going history, we did not go out for dinner.   Of course no beach trip would be complete without shrimp burgers so we did head over to the little walk up place in Salter Path for those a couple of times!  We brought a long all of our CSA veggies & blueberries for the week and made blueberry pancakes, blueberry cobbler, grilled veggies and kale lasagna.  Then Dad got hold of the grill and made all sorts of yummy meats including home made fajitas.  The best meal award, though, had to go to Isabel for an authentic Ecuadorian feast!  We had ceviche that was just incredible and she taught us her father's secret for making the best ceviche on earth.  For the unitiated, Ecuadorian ceviche is not like any other you may be familiar with.  It is not made with raw fish, but with cooked shrimp.  I found a recipe at www.cevicherecipe.org which is pretty good but does not include the Mera family secret!  It is basically boiled shrimp, red onions, tomatoes, cilantro, orange juice and lime juice, an amazing constellation of flavors.  I wish I had a picture to show. 

The best part of the beach though, had to be the time spent together.  I know it sounds trite, but we so rarely get a chance to sit back and just enjoy each other, especially with the extended family with us.  Of course it wasn't all rainbows and puppy dogs.  Bryan still wanted to nurse half the night and there were times I thought I'd have to throw Ruthie to the sharks but overall it was a great time.  I sort of miss being able to take nice romantic walks on the beach with my husband, but I wouldn't trade one single time watching Ruthie's crazy little kick-leg run in and out of the waves or Bryan's excited splashing for a hundred walks on the beach.

Now to get to work cleaning up that garden from a week of neglect.  Happy Saturday, everybody!