As this year comes to a close I find myself feeling disillusioned and disenchanted, all the dis words really. It just has not been a good year. I mean, overall we're all healthy and alive. That's more than a lot of people can say. Don't get me wrong, the year has had it's moments. The above picture was one of them. My kids are awesome. We have had a small miracle in my nephew's ability to overcome what should have been a devastating diagnosis, so I should be happy, right? Not so much.
Anybody who knows me knows I love to have a plan, a plan and a list. I like to be able to see what will happen throughout my day and the days ahead, to know what is coming and what to expect. It's the control freak in me coming out. You'd think this would make me more organized but, alas, it doesn't. I started 2012 with a plan, a relatively simple one, get pregnant. I was already working out like crazy and was in great shape so this would be an awesome, easy pregnancy. And this time, instead of an apneic, intubated baby or surprise breech C-section, this pregnancy would end with a triumphant VBAC, a healthy pink baby that was plopped on my chest and immediately latched. I would end this pregnancy feeling powerful, not powerless. Again, not so much. The getting pregnant part was easy enough but staying that way seems to have become a problem.
Suddenly I was a woman with no plan, no direction, a ship without a rudder like that Lemonheads' song. I know who I was, who I used to be. I was a runner. I was 60 days into Insanity (a great workout by the way.) I did yoga. I was a healthy person. I believed in eating whole foods, avoiding fast food unless absolutely necessary while on call. I liked the occasional (emphasis on that word occasional) Starbucks. I took my kids on nature walks. I knit them sweaters and socks, sewed clothes for them. I planted a garden every year. I followed Flylady. Suddenly none of this interested me anymore. Except for the Starbucks part, that went from occasional to almost daily.
During the last half of the year Bobby and I developed a different plan. We would add to our family through adoption. We found a child on a waiting child list and fell in love. This little girl became my rudder, my direction. (Oh how I wish I could show you her picture but I'm not allowed to yet.) I threw myself into the process of bringing her home. I obsessed over paperwork. Unfortunately, this has led to a bit of a technology obsession. I can't stop checking those waiting child lists even though I know I can't bring another child home right now. I obsess over adoption related message boards, looking for anything that helps me feel closer to the daughter I cannot hold. I obsessively check my e-mail and my Facebook page. I walk around holding my iPhone scrolling through emails and Facebook posts like a zombie. It's not healthy. It's not me. Where did the healthy person go? Where is the runner, the gardener, the foodie?
Is this a midlife crisis? Maybe. But somehow I don't think driving a red convertible or partying with twentysomethings is going to help. Instead I find myself longing for simplicity, peace, focus. So what's the answer? What is the plan for 2013? I don't know at this point but I intend to spend the next 3 weeks trying to figure it out. I need a detox, a technology detox, a sedentary lifestyle detox, a disillusionment detox. For 3 weeks I'm staying away from Facebook. I'm checking my e-mail only twice a day and only from the phone so it's not so easy to start reading stupid Yahoo articles. Maybe I'll start Couch to 5K back up to refind my inner runner. Maybe I'll actually go to a yoga class at the Y or restart those Insanity DVDs (that is if I can figure out how to get the sticky kid fingerprints off the plyometrics one.) Mainly I'm going to slow down, be quiet, and listen. There will be lots of hot tea and a lot of reading of my "tree hugging hippy" magazines. There will be a lot of time spent outside whenever the weather allows. More nature walks, more slowing down, more prayer, more listening. With any luck, the end of 3 weeks will find me with a plan for 2013 and more importantly, with some peace.
Happy New Year, everybody!
