As this year comes to a close I find myself feeling disillusioned and disenchanted, all the dis words really.  It just has not been a good year.  I mean, overall we're all healthy and alive.  That's more than a lot of people can say.  Don't get me wrong, the year has had it's moments.  The above picture was one of them.  My kids are awesome.  We have had a small miracle in my nephew's ability to overcome what should have been a devastating diagnosis, so I should be happy, right?  Not so much.

Anybody who knows me knows I love to have a plan, a plan and a list.  I like to be able to see what will happen throughout my day and the days ahead, to know what is coming and what to expect.  It's the control freak in me coming out.  You'd think this would make me more organized but, alas, it doesn't.  I started 2012 with a plan, a relatively simple one, get pregnant.  I was already working out like crazy and was in great shape so this would be an awesome, easy pregnancy.  And this time, instead of an apneic, intubated baby or surprise breech C-section, this pregnancy would end with a triumphant VBAC, a healthy pink baby that was plopped on my chest and immediately latched.  I would end this pregnancy feeling powerful, not powerless.  Again, not so much.  The getting pregnant part was easy enough but staying that way seems to have become a problem.

Suddenly I was a woman with no plan, no direction, a ship without a rudder like that Lemonheads' song.  I know who I was, who I used to be.  I was a runner.  I was 60 days into Insanity (a great workout by the way.)  I did yoga.  I was a healthy person.  I believed in eating whole foods, avoiding fast food unless absolutely necessary while on call.  I liked the occasional (emphasis on that word occasional) Starbucks.  I took my kids on nature walks.  I knit them sweaters and socks, sewed clothes for them.  I planted a garden every year.  I followed Flylady.  Suddenly none of this interested me anymore.  Except for the Starbucks part, that went from occasional to almost daily.

During the last half of the year Bobby and I developed a different plan.  We would add to our family through adoption.  We found a child on a waiting child list and fell in love.  This little girl became my rudder, my direction. (Oh how I wish I could show you her picture but I'm not allowed to yet.)   I threw myself into the process of bringing her home.  I obsessed over paperwork.  Unfortunately, this has led to a bit of a technology obsession.  I can't stop checking those waiting child lists even though I know I can't bring another child home right now.  I obsess over adoption related message boards, looking for anything that helps me feel closer to the daughter I cannot hold.  I obsessively check my e-mail and my Facebook page.  I walk around holding my iPhone scrolling through emails and Facebook posts like a zombie.  It's not healthy.  It's not me.  Where did the healthy person go?  Where is the runner, the gardener, the foodie?

Is this a midlife crisis?  Maybe.  But somehow I don't think driving a red convertible or partying with twentysomethings is going to help.  Instead I find myself longing for simplicity, peace, focus.  So what's the answer?  What is the plan for 2013?  I don't know at this point but I intend to spend the next 3 weeks trying to figure it out.  I need a detox, a technology detox, a sedentary lifestyle detox, a disillusionment detox.  For 3 weeks I'm staying away from Facebook.  I'm checking my e-mail only twice a day and only from the phone so it's not so easy to start reading stupid Yahoo articles.  Maybe I'll start Couch to 5K back up to refind my inner runner.  Maybe I'll actually go to a yoga class at the Y or restart those Insanity DVDs (that is if I can figure out how to get the sticky kid fingerprints off the plyometrics one.)  Mainly I'm going to slow down, be quiet, and listen.  There will be lots of hot tea and a lot of reading of my "tree hugging hippy" magazines.  There will be a lot of time spent outside whenever the weather allows.  More nature walks, more slowing down, more prayer, more listening.  With any luck, the end of 3 weeks will find me with a plan for 2013 and more importantly, with some peace.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Superbowl Sunday!

I have to admit I haven't paid much attention to the NFL this year.  I've asked 10 times, "who's in the Superbowl again?"  Then I say "really, wasn't that a few years ago?"  The kids have just made it harder to pay attention to sports.  Occasionally I can grab Ruthie and get her to say "C.A.T.S Cats! Cats! Cats!" but that's about it.  Otherwise I have to find something for her and Bryan to do while a game is on which usually puts me in a room without a TV.

Today the kid distraction was the Puppy Bowl.  Whoever invented that thing was a genius.  Actually, it was probably somebody who just wanted to watch the game without his/her kids whining about it.  Plop a bunch of puppies in pen with some toys and watch them go to town, what kid wouldn't love it.  Even Bryan found it interesting for a good 20 minutes.  And yes, that is Post-Nap-No-Pants Roo perched on the coffee table in the messiest corner of our house watching it.  (Obviously this was prior to kick-off since she's in the living room and Dada hasn't come and changed the channel yet.)

So, with the kids occupied, Bobby got to watch the game and I got to work on a few things that I really wanted to accomplish.  We had CSA veggies that really needed to be dealt with so there were broccoli soup and hot pocket style cabbage rolls calling my name.  Throw in some homemade bread and a bunch of sewing projects I've needed to tend to and you've got yourself a full afternoon.  Ruthie helped me with the dough for the hot pockets, running back and forth between the kitchen and the TV to give me updates on all the highlights of the Puppy Bowl, while Bobby played with Bryan and tried to get him to cheer for the Giants.

Did Ruthie and Bryan eat any of this great food.  Of course not!  Well, they ate the bread parts anyway and Roo choked down 4 bites of soup.  Did I get as much sewing done as I would have liked?  Of course not!  But I cut out fabric for some pants for Roo, a bag that I promised my cleaning lady months ago, and another one for my best friend's birthday, not to mention Roo's bento box carrier and a laptop sleeve for our new computer, so some good progress anyway.   I'm hoping to get to those projects Monday but you never know.  Monday also starts the "Whole Food Kitchen" e-course I've signed up for so there may be a lot more cooking I need to do (yay!)  Plus I've just ordered a "Healthy Snacks on the Go" e-book from Katie at www.kitchenstewardship.com so there are a bunch of yummy things I'm hoping to get to on Monday!

Groundhog Day!

I admit it.  I've been a blog slacker.  This handmade thing is time consuming.  Then we did a show, our computer got stolen, lots of little (and big) things have kept me away.  But today is Groundhog Day.  What better day to get started again!  In a few days I will post a few of the things we have been up to in the last few months but today I just want to jump back in with a few pics of the days leading up to Groundhog Day.  It's been cloudy this morning, so hopefully the little rodent will not be able to see his shadow.  I say this but  then, it's been so mild this winter, would six more weeks of it be so bad?

Yesterday was a prime example of the mild weather.  Seventy degrees and sunny.  When Ruthie came home from school we all took off our shoes and played outside, running and crawing around in the grass, drawing with chalk, blowing bubbles and playing hopscotch.  Inside we painted, had tea and just played.  A good (though not very productive) day for all concerned.